Monday 1 September 2008

Jokes 4 A Change-Part 1

Keep Laughing..............


Customer : Waiter, do you serve crabs?
Waiter : Sit down, sir, we serve anyone.
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Customer : Waiter, is this a lamb chop or pork chop?
Waiter : Can't you tell the difference by taste?
Customer : No, I can't.
Waiter : Then does it really matter?
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Customer : Waiter, there's a dead beetle in my soup.
Waiter : Yes Sir, they are not very good swimmers.
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Customer : Waiter, there's a fly in my soup.
Waiter : That's all right, Sir, he won't drink much.
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10 Commandments

TEN COMMANDMENTS
Read this... Think...


The most damaging one letter word :I Avoid it.
The most satisfying two-letter word :WE Use it.
The most poisonous three-letter word :EGO Kill it.
The most used four-letter word :LOVE Value it.
The most pleasing five-letter word :SMILE Keep it.
The fastest spreading six-letter word :RUMOUR Ignore it.
The most enviable seven-letter word :SUCCESS Achieve it.
The most nefarious eight-letter word :JEALOUSY Distance it.
The most powerful nine-letter word :KNOWLEDGE Acquire it.
The most essential ten-letter word :CONFIDENCE Trust it.

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Install Love...

Customer: Well, after much consideration, I've decided
to install LOVE. Can you guide me through the process?


CS Rep. : Yes, I can help you. Are you ready to
proceed?

Customer: Well, I'm not very technical, but I think
I'm ready to install now. What do I do first?

CS Rep. : The first step is to open your HEART. Have
you located your HEART ma'am?

Customer: Yes I have, but there are several other
programs running right now. Is it okay to install
while they are running?

CS Rep. : What programs are running ma'am?

Customer: Let's see, I have PAST-HURT.EXE,
LOW-ESTEEM.EXE, GRUDGE.EXE, and RESENTMENT.COM running
right now.

CS Rep. : No problem. LOVE will gradually erase
PAST-HURT.EXE from your current operating system. It
may remain in your permanent memory, but it will no
longer disrupt other programs. LOVE will eventually
overwrite LOW-ESTEEM.EXE with a module of its own
called HIGH-ESTEEM.EXE. However, you have to
completely turn off GRUDGE.EXE and RESENTMENT.COM.
Those programs prevent LOVE from being properly
installed. Can you turn those off ma'am?

Customer: I don't know how to turn them off. Can you
tell me how?

CS Rep. : My pleasure. Go to your Start menu and
invoke FORGIVENESS.EXE. Do this as many times as
necessary until GRUDGE.EXE and RESENTMENT.COM have
been completely erased.

Customer: Okay, done. LOVE has started installing
itself automatically. Is that normal?

CS Rep. : Yes. You should receive a message that says
it will reinstall for the life of your HEART. Do you
see that message?

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Find Motivation To Exercise...

1. Think about how out-of-shape you are now. Try running the mile or doing any other kind of exercise and see how long you last. It would be a miracle if non-runner adults could get a mile time of less than 10 minutes.


2. Find reasons for becoming fit. Some reasons include:

  • Weight loss: Doing track will shave minutes off your mile time and inches off your belly.
  • "High": When you exercise your body releases endorphins, which cause your self-esteem to go up.
  • Become better at your job. If you are in the military or law-enforcement, it's always good to have good endurance, and if you smoke, quit it.
3.Start your own exercise regimen and stick to it. Easier said than done, this will require lots of time and dedication. Sticking to it will show you how you improve and become healthier, motivating you to continue exercising.

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How To Exercise...

  • Warm up. You should always get yourself pumped the right way before you begin any exercise to avoid any tearing of the muscles. (i.e., jogging in place, jumping jacks, etc.)
  • Stretch. First start off with your legs working your way up through your body's muscles. (toe touches, stretching of the quadriceps, butterflies, etc.)
  • Go out around your block or the park, or treadmill and run for at least 30 minutes straight. Try to keep your breathing at a rhythm to reduce the time in which you get tired.
  • Push-ups or pull ups. Do 10-15 at the beginning, since you don't want to overwork your muscles. This will help with your upper body strength. Remember to go all the way down and push yourself up.
  • Sit-ups and crunches. A tested and proven way of doing these is by laying down on your bed with your butt at the edge so that when your legs stick out your stomach muscles automatically contract to keep your legs up. Put you feet up in the air in an L shape so your knees are bent, then reach for your toes with your arms. Another way is to lay down on the floor in front of a table and hold on to the legs of the table in a comfortable position. (make sure the table is strong and hard to move). Then begin lifting your legs up and when you put them back down avoid touching the floor. Do about 20 of these and you'll be good.
  • Squats. Do 20 squats to strengthen and tone butt and leg muscles.

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Get Motivation To Meditate...

Meditation can be a great way to relax and de-stress, as well as to create emotional and spiritual well being. With the hectic pace of life in today's society, however, even these benefits can get lost in our lists of to-do's. Fortunately, meditation may help you overcome these same scarcity conversations in your head. Now if you could just start meditating...


A bigger idea: Meditation may be called prayer, perhaps for hours, to find a quiet place, "peace." Some believe in an unknown meditational tone or language ("glossolalia" - lingua) with which the "Holy Spirit" may communicate in "groanings" to the heavenly Father as in "charmistic" meditations. Charismatic meditation has an attribute of the unseen Holy Spirit in relationship with the Father (discerning the Spirit).

  • Derivation: charis (“grace”) and charizesthai (“to show favour”), connoting a spiritual grace leading to salvation granted through faith into good works.
Follow the link below to find out more....
Click Here!
http://www.wikihow.com/Find-Motivation-to-Meditate

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How To Get Motivated...

Motivation is the core of all action. Whether a person succeeds, fails or leads depends upon this variable. Getting to know the intricacies of your own motivation can have lasting effects. By understanding and acting upon the things that motivate you one begins to understand what it means to live healthy.

Follow the link below to find out how to get motivated......
http://www.wikihow.com/Get-Motivated

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How To Let Out Your Sadness???

  • Talk to someone you trust who is wise, and/or elderly.
  • Call someone who can give you some guidance.
  • Go somewhere where you can be alone! It helps if your family are out of the house, but if not, go to your room or some private space. Tell them not to disturb you.
  • Let it all out! All the sadness, upset, misery and emotion building up inside you has to go! Cry it out! You will feel so much better afterwards!
  • After you have finished crying, lie back on your bed and think through what has happened. If it makes you upset, don’t be afraid to cry again! No one can see you, so don’t be embarrassed, just get a big box of tissues and let it all out!
  • Get a diary! Write down what you feel, what has happened, how upset you are! It will feel so much better to write it all down, and it will help to get it all out even more!
  • Get a big tub of ice cream and rent a film! Eat the ice cream all to yourself, and sit in or on your bed covered in cushions and blankets! Wear your sweats, have messy hair, nobody can see and nobody cares! Relax, make yourself feel so much better!
  • Invite a close friend or girlfriend or boyfriend over. If you are crying because of either of these, invite the other one over. Dry your eyes, lay back on your bed and tell them whats wrong. They can reassure you, give advice, and if its your boyfriend he can give you a big hug, which can sometimes make everything feel better!
  • I know that crying yourself to sleep is a bad thing, but at night, your mind is not occupied and you think back to your sadness! Don't restrict the tears, let them come naturally! Eventually you will fall asleep into a peaceful place and hopefully have sweet dreams!


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How To Overcome Sadness???

  • Relaxation and making time for fun are essential to making yourself feel better.

  • If you are reading this to help someone else, the worst thing you can do is not to take the sadness seriously. The best thing you can do is to listen and tell that person that their sadness is real. Do not yell at them or dismiss them; you will only make that person crawl into his or her shell even more deeply.

  • Help others

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How To Find Peace...

  • Find a quiet, shady space. it can be anywhere (including outside) and get yourself comfortable...
  • Sit in a relaxed position.
  • Put your hands on your lap, or any comfortable position.
  • Close your eyes.
  • Focus carefully on your breathing.
  • Think about a long winding river and try to achieve stillness.
  • Notice how much easier it is to concentrate when you are done and how you feel much, much happier.
  • Practice this more; you will get better.

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How To Be Happy...

1. Relax. Lighten up. Don't take yourself too seriously. Try not to over analyze things. Stress can cause many mental, physical, and spiritual problems in your life. One of the major causes of stress is worrying about things that are out of your control. Learn to recognize these things and if you can truly do nothing about them, then just let them go. Take time to laugh at yourself and the situations you find yourself in. Laughter is a powerful, positive medicine and the calmer and more peaceful you can take things, the happier your life will be. It wouldn't be life if some bad things don't happen.

2. Smile. You would be surprised how much of an immediate difference physically smiling has on your mood, if you smile and force a little laugh you will feel your mood lighten and you won't have to force it next time.

3. Take the good with the bad. No one is happy all the time. Everyone has something of sorrow intermingled with the gladness of life. The trick is to make the laughter outweigh the tears. We cannot change the past, but we can enjoy today, and look to the future. If we are prepared to take ownership for the past and accept that everything that's happened in our life, good and bad, has made us the person we are - the battle is half won.

4. Be Thankful. A key component of happiness is acceptance - learning to be grateful for what you have. A lot of people know it but don't keep it in their minds. Comparing your life with others' is dangerous. Accept the gifts you have and know that no one is better than or less than anyone else's. Keep a "gratitude journal". Every day, write down a few things that you are thankful for and then review what you have written in past entries. It's a great way to remind yourself to be thankful for what you have and to boost your mood.

5. Be Yourself. Much criticism is caused by people who are discontented with themselves, not with you. One way to get in touch with yourself is through journaling, diaries or (lately) blogs. Your goal may be to open up completely to yourself and learn to be your own best friend by being completely honest with yourself. What do you want out of life? What makes you truly happy? Who do you want to be?

6. Pursue Goals That Make You Happy. Strive for long term goals rather than short term satisfaction. It's very easy to gain short term satisfaction--a quick high, a fast relief from your current problems (such as drugs, alcohol, sex). But it is what it is, a "short term" satisfaction, and the effects die out very soon, leaving you with an empty feeling that is sometimes worse than before. Set long term goals, goals which take time, thought, and effort to achieve. This will make you continually work towards improving yourself bit by bit and will give you the satisfaction of bringing a permanent change in your life.

7. Focus on the Objective. If the thoughts you are thinking are not giving you that 'good feeling', then think about something else that will make you feel good in that moment. Observe your thoughts and ideas consistently throughout the day (diary/journal if possible). Sometimes this may not be as easy as you think if you are stuck in a "destructive" train of thought and your brain chemicals are getting fired up and forming "anxiety or anger" thoughts. Anxiety, fear and anger patterns can be interrupted by focusing on something else. This will dissipate the rush of chemicals that are making you feel bad. Immediately then go back to picturing scenes/remembering things/imagining, planning stuff that makes you feel good.

8. Develop healthy relationships.
* Family. If you want a stronger relationship with your family, you're going to need to be honest with them. Tell your family about your life and don't insult them - it hurts them just as much as it hurts you to be insulted. If you are in an abusive family, you must find a way to stop the abuse and that may include separation.
* Have a healthy relationship. If you're dating, get involved with activities that reflect who you are, and get to know people who like the things you do. Get involved with someone who loves life and pursues happiness the way you do. If you're in a relationship, strive to make that relationship healthy.
* Choose your friends carefully. Nearly everyone needs someone who cares for them and treats them well. If you have friends who are treating you badly, or are not supportive of you and your goals to improve your life, then ditch them and find friends that do care about you. If you can't find any friends like that in your current circumstances, then look elsewhere. If you're feeling sad, there's nothing like going out with your friends to make you feel better. Surround yourself with friends who are beneficial, encouraging, and helpful. We all need this continuing, nuturing encouragement to make solid desired progress in life.

9. Make Someone Else Happy. When you're feeling powerless to create happiness in your life, do something to make someone else--anyone--happy, and you'll remember how easy it really can be. Isn't it true the happiest people we know are typically the ones who for some foolish reason are always ready to give you the clothes off their back? And frequently it is true that the most discontented people are the ones who are selfish, demanding, and inconsiderate of others. The happiest days of our lives, when we really dig down deep, is when we see the smile on the face of a person who we care about. Even helping a stranger can remind you of how much you really have, because of how much you can give. Serve at a rescue mission and you will learn the meaning of "I cried because I had no shoes and then I met a man who had no feet."

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Try To Overcome Stress

  • Stress about future events is mostly caused by fear, and stress over things in the present is usually caused by a feeling of powerlessness.

  • You probably already know this, but what you need to remind yourself is that, without negativity, stress, sadness or depression in life, there wouldn't be joy, excitement or happiness in life. It's like the yin and yang; they'd simply not exist without each other. It's true, nobody has an easy life forever. It comes to you sooner or later. This is a natural thing, just like that tingly feeling inside when you're in love, those butterflies in your stomach that you get because there's something so important to you and you don't want to lose it, a cute little puppy that just makes you want to lift those lips and smile. It's all a natural part, a cycle people have to go through sooner or later in life.

  • Focus on someone else who is in the same situation as you and try to tune in to that person’s calm. Remember that if he or she isn’t nervous, you probably don't have to be.

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Under Stress???

The clock is ticking. Everyone's counting on you. Which wire do you cut?

While most of us never have to deal with the life-or-death dilemmas of a bomb squad, everyday situations, such as job interviews, public speaking, and family emergencies, can be every bit as stressful if we’re not accustomed to dealing with them. Learning how to remain calm in times of stress will not only make things go more smoothly immediately, it can also, over time, help you lead a healthier, happier life. Here's how to keep your cool when the pressure mounts.

Steps:
  1. Identify the cause of your stress. Is your heart pounding because that idiot just cut you off on the freeway, or is it because of that presentation you have to give to your boss this afternoon? Think for a moment and try to figure out what’s really bothering you.
  2. Choose your response. Even if you’re powerless to change the source of your stress, you have the power to choose how you’ll respond to it. The appropriate response to stress should depend on what’s causing it: you can either shake off your stress (ignore it and let it go immediately) or face it head-on. In order to choose your response, ask yourself some questions.

    • Does it matter? Yeah, it’s all small stuff, but some stuff is smaller than others. Consider how long the source of stress will affect you. That idiot driver will be gone in a moment if you just let him keep speeding down the road, but the death of a loved one may affect you for years.
    • How much control do you have over the situation? You can’t control the rain that’s ruining your wedding, but you can control how well you do on your algebra exam tomorrow.
    • Is the source of stress in the past, present, or future? You can’t change the past, but you can respond to the present and prepare for the future. Let your past troubles fade.
  3. Shake it all off. If a situation is beyond your control, or if it just isn’t that important, stop worrying about it. Easier said than done? Just do it.

    • Inhale deeply through your nose. In your mind, count to five seconds, and then exhale slowly through your mouth, for another five seconds. Repeat this breathing pattern until you feel comfortable with it.
    • Think about something else. Get your mind off the stress by thinking about something that makes you happy, such as your kids or spouse (provided they’re not the cause of the current stress), or by concentrating about the things you have planned for the day.
    • Visualize relaxing things, such as a deserted island or a country road. Close your eyes and try to picture even minor details about the imaginary place, and you can put yourself in that situation instead of the one you’re in.
    • Get away from the cause of the stress. If you can physically escape the stress trigger, do so. Leave the room or pull off the road for a moment to put things in perspective.
    • Get some exercise. Whether you go for a run, do calisthenics, do yoga, or lift weights, 10-20 minutes of physical exercise every day can relax you even when "nothing can". Getting plenty of exercise also helps you respond better to stress in the long run.
  4. Face your stress source head-on when you're ready. Getting stressed is not going to resolve the situation. Sitting around worrying is a good way to procrastinate, but procrastinating will only prolong or intensify the stress. Facing your stress head-on is really just a way to shake off a bad situation that you cannot or should not ignore. If you can change the outcome of a situation that matters to you, the quickest way to overcome that fear or to empower yourself is to take action as quickly as possible. Once you’ve resolved the underlying problem, you can shake off the stress because it no longer matters. The steps below will help you. If you feel paralyzed, use the steps above to relax and temporarily distance yourself from the situation just long enough to be able to see it clearly.
  5. Make a plan. Sometimes you can resolve a stressful situation right away with one action, but often you’ll need several steps, perhaps over a long period. Write out a plan with attainable goals and a time line for reaching those goals. Additionally, many stressful situations are avoidable. If you prepare ahead of time for important events and make contingency plans, you may not have to cope with as much stress later. An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.
  6. Take one step at a time. A complex problem can be overwhelming, even when you’ve got your plan mapped out, but remember: the journey of a thousand miles begins with one step. Just focus on one small goal at a time.
  7. Be realistic. If you continue to experience stress because no matter how hard you try you can’t take the steps quickly enough, you probably haven’t set realistic goals. In a culture that values a can-do attitude, it can be hard to accept that sometimes you can’t do something, at least not within a given period of time. If that’s the case, revise your time line or lower your expectations. If you can’t do that, the situation qualifies as one which you can’t control. Learn from your experience, but let it go.

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Tips To Be Calm

  • Keep an open mind. Closed, calculating minds are the root of ignorance and static. Nothing changes if all minds are certain.

  • Pertaining to religion: Do not dismiss your beliefs, but always consider you are not correct. With thousands of religions in the world, at least a few are guaranteed to be untrue.
  • Sometimes letting go welcomes a spectrum of new and exciting ideas.
  • Never impose on other people. Though you may feel uplifted and enlightened by your new realizations, most others are stuck in the cycle of the mainstream working/family/business life and have not yet or will never have the chance to see above it.
  • Leaving the mind to settle on its own is the best way...effortless effort

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How To Be Calm???

Every human being can name at least one person who has stood out to them as utterly, amazingly, wonderfully, almost inhumanly, calm at all times. It is the person who is never fazed by life's petty ordeals- the person who is able to deal with larger problems with maturity, grace, and venerable wisdom. What is it they know that everyone else seems to be missing?

Steps:
  1. Find a peaceful zone. To gain this level of calmness and serenity, you must first be free of any distraction. This moment in time is set aside for deep inner reflection. Find somewhere quiet, preferably somewhere natural (e.g. Sit in the grass in a park on a nice day, take a slow walk in the forest in late fall, sit on the edge of a mountain after a hike and gaze over the scenery) If you have no time to travel, simply sit on a couch or on your bed, anywhere will do.
  2. Reflect on the fact that as a human being you are immersed in billions upon billions of chemical reactions at every second of your life. (e.g. the exchange of carbon and oxygen in your breathing, the unfelt rotation/revolution of the earth, the dying and renewing of cells in your skin, etc.)
  3. Reflect on the uncanny scale of the universe, and your size within it. (e.g. you are a towering monster to an ant, and a universe to a cell, yet you're but a spec to the earth, and the earth but one millionth of our sun, which is but a cell to the galaxy which is but a stain in the universe...)
  4. Take time to respect and appreciate the mystery of living and all that comes with it. (Why is it that you are here now in this moment in time? Why are you human and not a rock or a bird or a waterfall? Could you have even been anything else? Do things happen for a reason? What is time? Does it exist? Do mathematical equations build the universe? What is thought? Why are humans the only creatures with such advanced civilization? Will the universe ever end? Is infinity real? Is anything I believe real? What is reality?...) Ask yourself all the questions you have ever wondered but have never asked. Consider answers and debate yourself, chances are you will come up with theories no one has ever conceived before. Even if they are ludicrous, you have expanded your mind to possibility. Remember that other people in the world might feel just like you do now!
  5. Just be. After such explosion of thought, your mind will be restless but somewhat tired. Take a moment just to breathe and exist, feel yourself taking up space in the enormity of the universe and consider the importance you have as a being. You are here, a human, a mind, with all the possibility in the world. Feel the amazing power of opportunity fill you. You can do anything. You can change the world. You can help those in need.
  6. Seize the moment. If you have felt this sensation captivate you, indeed you have achieved a revelation, for this moment in time you have been enlightened. Whenever petty problems seem to storm you, recall these amazing feelings and ideas and all insignificant ordeals will melt in such obscurity you may laugh at them with a sincere humor that others puzzle over and long to obtain. Most will change forever, always in state of wonder and respect for life and the world. This is the state of mind of the calm, the caring, the wise, and the respected.

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What Is 'Being Calm'???

Being Calm means patience and determination, knowing that Rome wasn’t built in a day.

Being Calm means recognizing that there are times when we win, and there are times when we lost. Ups and downs are inevitable.

Being Calm means readjusting the sail when you know the wind is changing direction.

Being Calm means rejuvenating yourself to generate positive mental and physical flow.

Being Calm means peace. No rush. No fight. Steady.

Being Calm means accepting imperfect, since nothing is perfect.

Being Calm means doing the right thing, when it matters the most.

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